Woman in Center: Russian Painting, Artist unknown


At an Enneagram presentation a year or so ago, a question came up about being selfish.

Selfish is such a buzzword–especially for those of us who grew up as women in this culture, over the age of 30 or so…

We were taught that to be selfish–to be concerned about ourselves–was wrong. Our presence was valued when we were selfless–when our concern was for others.


Of course, this has not been true for most men. Men who focus on themselves and who talk about their accomplishments are most often seen as successful and strong.

Well, this woman shared a distinction she had heard, which I have been considering and sharing with my clients ever since.


Instead of worrying about what it means to be selfish, let’s consider being self-full.


Self-full. We can’t be self-full when we are being self-less!


We can’t develop the fullness of our voice and presence if we feel it’s wrong to be concerned with ourselves. (Thank us, women of the #metoo movement, for daring to share our voices.)


All the heroines and heros of our time have modeled being self-full, not self-less.


They knew what they valued and loved. They knew what they needed–and they acted on it for themselves and for their greater communities.


We have to fill our own wells so we have water to share with others. This creates a self that is full, that over-brims with the water of life for all. This is being self-full, not self-less, or selfish!


In my free 5-day Practice Presence for Life Journey that’s just finishing up, we focus on making our everyday actions into meaningful, sacred ritual. This is a practice of becoming more self-full, which enables us to be more present. From this place, we meet the world with greater presence, which means we are more able to show up with what’s needed in the moment: more grace, strength, ease, equanimity, joy, power, love, etc.


My primary Enneagram teacher, Russ Hudson, once responded to a question from one of the Christian students about presence by saying “Whose Presence do you think it is, anyway?”


How do you fill your well to be self-full?

What does self-less look like in your life?



If you’d like some solid support in filling your well and becoming powerfully self-full, The SHE School offers a kindred community of women to support you in making daily rituals, monthly yoga & meditation classes, radical self-love, and spiritual practice non-negotiable in 2018. 

I participated in 2012 and have been a mentor in The SHE School ever since. Because I believe in this work, I am an Ambassador, so if you register through my link, I get a reward, too. 🙂 

The SHE School starts February 1st, so sign up soon if you want to give yourself this beautiful gift and become more self-full!

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