Category: mindfulness

Everyday Love

It’s Valentine’s Day.

How about a focus on real,
everyday Love?


Romantic dinners, heart-shaped gifts, chocolate, sexy lingerie—they are a fun way of expressing Love, but I’m talking about taking steps to choose and create Love in a simple, daily way.

Today, can you remember to:

  • Give yourself the benefit of the doubt?
  • Be friendly and kind when you make a mistake?
  • Not rush?
  • Listen to the needs of your body? (move, rest, eat, use the bathroom…)
  • Listen to your heart, not judging your feelings, but allowing them all and being gentle with yourself?

With others, can you:

  • Be present with yourself as you interact with them? (That way you’ll be more attuned.)
  • Offer your kind attention, even to strangers?
  • Go out of your way to be of service?
  • Put yourself in their shoes before responding?
  • Receive their goodwill?

Everyday Love is a choice, an action, a verb.

Even if you don’t feel Love, take a step to choose it. Start with yourself and move out from there. Let everyone you touch receive your Love.

The world needs you, showing up as you,
which is an expression of Love.
And the world needs us all
choosing Love with each other,
one babystep at a time.

This is the way we can create Everyday Love, every day.

Come practice Everyday Love with me!

  • Body Love: Mindful Movement & Yoga, Tuesdays at noon
  • Body, Mind Love: The Mindful Art of Tea,Wednesday, February 15th
  • Body, Heart Love: The Way of the Happy Woman® Winter Mini-Retreat, Sunday, February 19th
  • Body, Heart, Mind Love: Mindful Self-Care for your Whole Bodysoul, Wednesday, March 15th
  • Body, Heart, Mind Love: Releasing Our Hearts: Working with the Passions and the Virtues of our Enneagram Type, with Dave Hall, Saturday, March 25th

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From Habit to Holy

We’re just over halfway through my free, online, 5-Day Practice Presence for Life Journey.

As we journey together, I continue to deepen my own inquiry into the connection between the ordinary and the sacred, between habit and ritual.

How is it that the same activity—getting out of bed in the morning, eating lunch, exercising—can be rote habit or sacred ritual?

The only thing that changes is what we bring to the activity. Every time we bring our mindful and kind attention to our actions, we are infusing that moment with presence and holiness. The holiness of intention and attention. The holiness of showing up to our lives as fully as we can. The holiness of simply being in and with our life.

By living with this respectful attention
and compassion moment to moment,
you sense the sacred in each part of your life.
~ Jack Kornfield in A Path with Heart, p. 197

Another aspect of creating sacred ritual vs. structured habit is that we consciously create the pattern we want to live in our lives. We take the time to consider what we need to make our lives more nourishing on all levels—more ease and wellbeing, more meaning and value, more [you fill it in…].

This can take a little effort to put into place. We have to take an honest look at what is not working and how we might change that. If I’m harried and arriving at work stressed out, maybe I need to create space for some morning practice. If I’m exhausted all day, maybe I need to figure out how to create resting and bedtime rituals. Or maybe I need to look at how I’m feeding myself or moving or something else, and how that is contributing to my overall wellbeing…

Making space for new ways of practicing is part of the picture. It might take a little creative thinking since we can get so locked in and attached to our unconscious habits. We have to be willing to experiment and try something new until we find the right fit for us.

Our patterns organize our reality.
They guide our established way of connecting with life.
~ Elaine de Beauport, Three Faces of Mind, p. 275

As we find the practices that work for us and create space for them in our day, we are setting the new pattern that can become sacred ritual. The familiarity of a repeated pattern provides us with a way to come back to ground, to give our nervous system deep rest. Our relaxed nervous system supports us on all levels so that we have more wellbeing in body, heart, mind, and soul. We are in rhythm with ourselves.

Ritual is an advanced routine, practiced
with care, attention, faith, and beauty.
It is a way of elaborating repetitive rhythms
ever more exquisitely, until they become ritual.
~ Elaine de Beauport, Three Faces of Mind, p. 301

Creating a life of everyday actions that become sacred ritual also means staying awake while we are practicing. As Kornfield emphasized, it’s the quality of our attention, not the doing of the new pattern that makes it sacred.

This is my challenge—I’m good at creating patterns, but then I have to remember to engage in them with presence, to bring all of me into my practice and not just practice to get it off my to-do list. (Yup, I have been known to fall into that one at times, even with a spiritual practice…)

And then there’s the trap of perfection, another one that has plagued me, especially as an Enneagram type One. I have often missed the sacred quality of presence in my patterns because I’ve put too much attention into doing them the “right” way. I am slowly learning that the only “right” way to practice is to show up—to bring as much awareness, heart, and embodiment to our practice as we can in each moment. That will vary day by day, moment by moment, and that’s OK!

We practice to nourish ourselves with our presence, not to try to reach some elusive ideal of perfection. Your presence matters. Your presence is what makes the moment, the practice, and your life holy.

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Come, yet again, come.

Come, come, whoever you are
Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving
Ours is no caravan of despair
Come, yet again, come.
~Rumi

It’s too easy to fall into ruts.

The brain likes patterns it can repeat. That frees up our energy for other things.

But what if some of our repeated patterns aren’t serving us–and yet they keep repeating on autoplay?

Come, yet again, come. This is a sweet invitation to come back to ourselves, to stop the autopilot of habit and wake up.

Wherever we are, whenever we notice, we have the chance to choose freshly again.


We can take a look at what we’ve been choosing.

When I’m not present, my type One orientation habitually and unconsciously chooses to try to improve things–me, you, my environment…life! I just have to learn a little more by reading one more article, to make the fridge look better by cleaning up that spill on the shelf, to bring order to the dining room by putting the Christmas wrapping supplies away…There’s always more to do and never enough time…Your way of getting lost may be very different from mine, but we all have them.

When we notice we are on autopilot, we can ask: Does what I’m habitually choosing reflect my values?

I often find my value for contemplative quiet time gets relegated to last on my list. Sure, I fit some in every morning, but if it’s something I truly value (and need to be well!) wouldn’t it make sense to create more space in my life for it?

Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving… Why do we wander away, leave what we value?

We forget.We get pulled back into the automatic pilot of repeating habits.

These are so compelling because they are familiar–the patterns have been traveled so often that they feel known, safe, comforting…even if we’d like to change them.

They don’t challenge our sense of who we might be, which might happen if we didn’t follow them. Our self-identity relies on them. In my example, I know myself as someone who is always making things better. This is an integral part of how I define myself, recognize my value, and orient to the world. Who would I be, how would I interact with life if I didn’t need to know myself in this way?

Holding what I am repeating on autopilot along with my values creates a paradox. How can both be true? And yet they are.

If we hold this paradox with mindfulness, we can receive the wisdom of right action. There is no ultimate “right” way to always respond, no one tried and true way to reconcile these opposites.

When I’m not present, I fall back into habit.

When I am present, I can hold both the habit and what I value, and see what arises as true in my experience right now, in this moment. Letting these guide me, holding the tension, and listening will result in the right action I seek. The next time I ask, the moment may require something else of me.

Come, yet again, come. Being present means I am responding freshly each time I wake up enough to come, yet again, back to myself and hold the paradox.

OK, your turn! What habits do you fall into without thinking? How do these fit with creating space for the things you value?

I look forward to journeying
with you!

with presence, you get presents

the title of this blogpost is a quote from my primary Enneagram teacher, past boss, and friend, Russ Hudson.

with presence, you get presents…i know i have made it much harder than that in my life!! one of the biggest stumbling blocks to presence for me is moving too fast, trying to do too much, which i talked about in my last blogpost.

the other big obstacle is one most of us have been taught from an early age:

“Take care of others before you take care of yourself.”

our family of origin, trying to mold us into good citizens who will be acceptable in the culture we live in, tells us not to focus on ourselves, that it’s SELFISH.

as women, we get the message that it’s our job to care for others, whether it be calling, texting, emailing, visiting, or even accepting an invitation or overstaying so as not to hurt someone’s feelings.

and men have their own version of this: they often feel pressure to provide for the family and make their women happy.

this time of year, we’re all encouraged to focus on finding and giving the RIGHT gifts—that we research, shop for, spend money on, or hand-make. even if we truly want to make our loved ones happy with the perfect gift, it is so easy to lose ourselves in what can feel like a frantic search.

as an adult, i find that one of my favorite memories of Christmas was doing a 1,000-2,500 piece puzzle together as a family.

yes, we were dedicated puzzlers! 🙂 my parents hung a round, particle-board tabletop on pulleys in our living room so we could sit around it and puzzle together and then pull it up to the ceiling to make space for other things.

what i remember most is the gift of calm, together time.

we didn’t talk a lot. we simply joined each other at the table and were present together—sometimes to put a piece in as we were passing through, sometimes for longer.

i’m not suggesting not to invest some time and money in gathering hands-on gifts for your loved ones.

  • but see if you can return to yourself over and over again while you do. fill your own well with the gift of your mindful presence. if you need some tips for how to do this see babysteps for presence.
  • as you spend time with others over the holidays, stay connected with the internal presence of you—the felt sense of your feet on the ground, the breath in your body, the way your heart is touched by their presence.
  • also when with others, practice taking their presence in. see them freshly—breathe in their beauty, their unique way of thinking and being. you might want to try a version of this savoring practice to help you really tune in.

as you do any of these practices, you are giving yourself and the person you are with the gift of presence—of yours and theirs.

with presence, we get presents.

babysteps for presence

do you feel it?

that steady increase in tempo now that we’re in the holiday season?

i sure do!

we made it through black friday. and cyber monday.

but now it’s countdown on shopping days before christmas.

we have to find the right gifts for the right amount of money…

we are bombarded by the outer world, inviting, enthralling, dare i say it–manipulating us into focusing on outer fulfillment. just one more piece of chocolate, one more task off the to-do list, one more special stocking stuffer…then all will be well. then i’ll stop. then i’ll rest. then i’ll be satisfied.

it feels like life is speeding up as we move from thanksgiving through the winter holidays and into the new year.

what can we do to be present
in the midst of all of this?

1. first things first. notice how you get off center. notice what makes you lose your cool, feel off balance, get irritable, impatient, anxious…whatever your version of “off center” is. without awareness, nothing else is possible!

2. in the midst of it. turn to yourself with kindness and friendliness. instead of telling yourself to “get over it,” to “put a good face on it,” to “fake it until you make it,” take a moment and gently acknowledge that it’s hard to feel off center. it’s hard to be this busy. it’s hard to feel disconnected from yourself. with compassion, things soften and change in often unexpected ways.

3. when your heart feels more open, let your brilliant mind help you out some more! what one small thing could you do, RIGHT NOW, to help you be more present. you already are a little more present just from steps #1 & #2. what else would support you? could you stretch, sense your feet on the floor and your breath in your belly, dance, get up and walk around, take a breath of fresh air, get a cup of tea, take a nap? what would support you right now?

4. take that babystep! do it! don’t wait until you finish THAT THING. even if it’s just one minute, give yourself what you need to be more present RIGHT NOW. this is living our practice. this is waking up. this is how real change happens, one babystep at a time. it can be that simple.

Practice: EGS–Enjoyed, Grateful, Satisfied

I learned this sweet practice from Dr. Patrizia Collard’s The Little Book of Mindfulness and it is my go-to gratitude practice these days.

I find falling asleep is the time I most need to calm my mind and orient it toward what is good in my life; otherwise, my mind wants to spend time thinking about all the things that still need managing from my day—whether it does any good or not!

So, once in bed, I say a prayer of surrender and then go over my day:

  • Remembering what I Enjoyed,
  • Remembering what I am Grateful for,
  • Remembering what I am Satisfied with.

While Dr. Collard doesn’t describe the practice this way, I find this progression works really well for me. If it was a hard day and I have trouble finding something that I Enjoyed or something that I am Grateful for, I can always find something I am at least Satisfied with!

And if I get granular enough, I can usually find multiple examples in each one—I Enjoyed seeing the sunrise, sitting by the woodstove…I am Grateful for the nourishing food for lunch, for the client who is finding new openings…I am Satisfied with getting my winter clothes down from the attic, getting outside to walk…

As Marge Piercy says in her poem The Seven of Pentacles, “Connections are made slowly. They grow underground.”

Try some EGS at bedtime, allow new heart connections to grow underground, and see if it helps you reorient and gets you back in touch with the goodness in your life!

Yearning for more presence and less overwhelm?
Check out my e-book for 10 Simple Ways to
Welcome the Sacred into Your Daily Life!

trust

“Trust in the fires of disintegration.
For everything less than whole must be
burned away, and out of the ashes of
the unknown, love will emerge
in the most astonishing ways.”
~ Matt Licata

What does that mean in the wake of this recent election?

I am trusting that even though the majority did not vote in Donald Trump to be president, that there is some reason, bigger than my mind can grasp, that he is our President Elect. I have been reading many thoughtful and heart-full analyses–a few that remain uppermost for me:

We are being forced to look at the shadow side of the US–at the bigotry, racism, misogyny, prejudice, white supremacy leanings–that we don’t want to see. Those who have been suffering from it already knew this. It’s in our privileged-white faces now. We look away at our peril.

We are being asked not to respond in kind—to instead practice tolerance, curiosity, and acceptance of others’ election decisions. Can we, with openness, ask what they hope Trump will do for them? Perhaps we can learn more about our differences and more about our common humanity and common dreams.

We are being invited to step up and protect those who are potentially under threat–perhaps from the new administration, perhaps from some of its supporters. We must do more than wear our safety pins. How can we show our support with meaningful actions?

We are being opened to the unknown. Our belief that we know what was best for our country…our belief that we know what the American people want…our belief that this is a bad outcome. We don’t know.

There is a force bigger than our minds unfolding in and through us. I call it True Nature; others call it God or the Divine or Higher Power. I am practicing to trust that True Nature has a hand in this!

We must continue to practice so that we can know what right action to take, each in the ways we feel called.

Let’s allow this upset to be a real wake-up call.

Let’s do the healing work to be one family.

Let’s trust and act in the truth that “out of the ashes of the unknown, Love will emerge.“

Join Me to Practice Presence in Community!

Sunday, November 20th: Healthy High Tea
a gluten- and dairy-free experience, paired with meaningful conversation
$20 or $17 Plum-Deluxers
I’d love to enjoy tea and meaningful, mindful connection with you!

there shall I be

Freud said that the happy result of therapy is

“Where it was, there shall I be.”

At the Mankato Women & Spirituality Conference this past weekend and teaching this morning at St. Kate’s Staff Circles, I was sharing practices to move from being caught in “it,” in what Dave and I call “normally neurotic ego,” to wholeness.

Moving from Criticism to Compassion focused on the Inner Critic and how it keeps us stuck and separate from ourselves, most directly from compassion. Welcoming Joy in Your Daily Life focused on how we keep ourselves from opening to joy as our essence, our very being.

In each workshop, I was struck how the participants had moments of reclaiming their true sense of the “I” Freud refers to (the Self, our True Nature, our Buddha Nature, Divine Nature, etc.)–

  • Through mindful attention to the ways the Inner Critic talks to us.
  • Through acknowledging the ways we unconsciously react to try to get the Inner Critic to stop.
  • Through trying on something new to open up the heart to joy.
  • Through seeing clearly the ways we check out and leave presence.
  • Through creating a different more conscious relationship with ourselves.

Consciousness moves “it” towards “I.”

Understanding opens.

Compassion blossoms.

Tensions melt.

Moments of being in touch with Who we are shows us a new way of being, which can hold, contain, and respond compassionately to “it.” We are reclaiming these lost parts of ourselves, coming more deeply home by including “it” as “I.” No more separation and fighting against shadow parts or ourselves.

All are welcome.

Moments of grace arise.

As my Diamond Approach teacher would say–

we do our practices so we can be “accident prone to grace”

and reclaim our innate wholeness.

Retreat Practicing

I received the gift of retreating with Sara Avant Stover to assist her SHE Retreat at Kripalu last week. It was such a blessing to practice with other devoted women in silence, surrounded by the beauty and support of Kripalu!

Many things come up on retreat, especially when you’re in silence. One of the ways we practiced was to write short haiku-like verses to express what was moving in our being. I am sharing some of mine that capture my process on retreat a bit. I’ve grouped them approximately by theme, but the process was not this linear. It rarely is—which is the beauty and scary part of going into the unknown. Note: “Kimmy” is my inner little girl.

Stillness calls clearly.
Leg resists, hearing occludes.
At rest and suffering.

Bells call me to prayer.
I hear only clashing metal.
Let me sleep.

Small power calls me.
Darkened sky threatens rain.
Light awakes within.

sugar-maple-path-500x

Boat adrift at sea
Tree rooted, bending in the storm.
Anchor me. Root me.

Many moments of One.
Christmas trees call me back to small self.
Green hills and blue sky smile.

Stillness beckons my soul.
Body is willing but sticky.
Mind grabs and craves.

red-maple-crop-500x

Laughter bubbles up,
Taking over my face with abandon.
Kimmy’s in the whirlpool.

Can pain and sorrow soften?
The soul becomes more malleable.
True Nature shining through.

goddess-dancing-500x

Take me, Mother, now.
Lift these veils of untruth.
Receive me in Your arms.

Removing my armor.
Can You find your way inside?
I yearn to be Yours.

Immensity calls.
Mind anticipates the direction.
SHE waits in Love.

moon-night-sky-500x

Are you yearning for some retreat time? I’d LOVE to support you in finding some! It is indispensable to your wellness.

Autumn Self-Care Mini-Retreat, Sunday, October 16th, 2:00-5:00
This Way of the Happy Woman® retreat will help you align with the rhythm of Fall through women’s circle practices, yoga, meditation, and journaling. 

Free Welcoming the Sacred E-Book
Sign up for 10 simple ways to create more presence and less overwhelm in your daily life!

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Falling into Fall…

Leaves are falling.

Life is falling. Into the earth.

Fall. Falling. Fallen.

We are falling from one season into the other at Autumn Equinox, on Thursday, September 22nd, at 9:21 am CT, the day when the light and dark are equal in length.

Falling into Autumn.

It can feel like that.

All of a sudden, it seems, the days are shorter.

Darkness comes earlier and lasts longer.

It’s time to light a candle. To come inside. To consider your harvest.

What flowered, spread its seeds, and died?

What are you harvesting from this wild abandon?

For my part, while the Summer was full and beautiful, a few things have blazed out and fallen.

A part-time job I loved is over and the ending still unsettled and confusing.

My brother is gone, returned to the earth.

I am reflecting on this harvest. It’s not what I wanted. And yet, it is.

This eternal cycle of return, of rising from
and falling into the earth.

There is a grace of falling. Of falling into. Of being held, finally grounded, completely surrendered. Into the unchanging ground of support.

There is a release in this.

I am still in the process of understanding the harvest from my losses. And in the midst of this, I am celebrating the abundance of loving holding from family and friends.

I also celebrate, from the eternal promise, that
living is hidden inside dying.

To this, I bow down.

Within the darkness, light is always arising.

Renewal is always becoming.

I am practicing patience and allowing this rhythm to live within as it lives without, for the right timing for renewal to grow from the seeds that returned to the earth.

What is falling, perhaps fallen for you?

How are you living
with your harvest this Fall?

If you’d like to include some ritual in your acknowledging of Autumn Equinox, I have a few suggestions on my blog from past years:

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