Category: self-care

The F-Word

This is the 1st of a 3-part series. Read the 2nd here.

The F-Word.

As a born-again Christian (and an Enneagram type One), this word was totally off limits. It was a BAD word. Only BAD people used it.

And I, of course, did not want to be BAD.

I was working really hard to be GOOD, with a Capital G.

But the F-Word held a certain power, a mystique, a “je ne sais quoi.”

After that teenage phase of my life, it slowly found its way into my expression, for better or for worse.

These days, I’m much more interested in the other F-Word.

I bet you know it, but maybe not by this moniker, which I learned from Gabrielle Bernstein.

It actually has many similarities to that first F-Word I mentioned–

It holds great power…

  • To open new pathways in our being,
  • To affect relationships between people,
  • To make a huge impact on communities, our culture, and the world.

Its mystique is well-chronicled…

  • Demons lose their power,
  • Stuckness mysteriously disappears,
  • The heart unfolds.

So, what is this F-Word?

Maybe you have guessed it by now?

Forgiveness

I know, it’s a doozy!

We’ll break it down little by little in this series of blogposts, but for now, let’s end with this:

For-Give, Etymology:

  • from Old English: for + gifan = to give
  • from Old German: vergeben
  • from perdonare, Latin = to give completely without reservation.

To give completely without reservation

Without losing yourself–

  • Without giving up,
  • Without giving in,
  • Without giving over,
  • Without compromising your values,
  • Without condoning what was done to you or by you.

This requires a soft and open heart, mind, body, and soul.

Read the 2nd of this 3-part series.

And in the meantime, I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts thus far!

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Bowing Practice

I’ve been practicing bowing recently.

When I was researching possible publishers for the book I’m working on, I stumbled upon a book called Bowing by Dahn Yoga Education. I was intrigued and ordered it.

When it came, I devoured it in one sitting and started practicing!

It’s a simple practice, bowing.

Just like the tulips in the photo, that rise in the spring, bloom radiantly, and then release their form to the earth to build up energy for their next blossoming in the following year, bowing is a metaphor for being willing to let go, and then re-form and rise again…when it’s time.

Hands at my heart, I feel myself here, human, woman, being, connecting earth and heaven.

Prayers reach to heaven, draw down into my earthly body, mix the light and dark, the active and still, the blossoming and the release of this form.

And then the downward trajectory, bodysoul (body-heart-mind-soul) returning to the earth with reverence and humility, a sacred return.

How surely gravity’s law, / strong as an ocean current, / takes hold of even the strongest thing /
and pulls it toward the heart of the world. (Rilke in II, 16.)

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, growing from the earth, returning to the earth. Head bowed, touching the earth, hands open to receive.

If we surrendered / to earth’s intelligence /
we could rise up rooted, like trees. (Rilke in II, 16.)

Surrendering this moment through the physicality of the bow. My body embodying it so that my heart and mind can learn this gesture as well.

…to fall, / patiently to trust our heaviness. / Even a bird has to do that /
before he can fly. (Rilke in II, 16.)

Returning to standing, following the same pathway, with a subtly changed orientation of the heart. Bringing the humble, solid, ever-supportive and accepting presence of earth up into my humanness, connecting heaven and earth.

 How does practicing the bow feel to you?

reprise: Come, yet again, come.

Come, come, whoever you are
Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving
Ours is no caravan of despair
Come, yet again, come.
~Rumi

Both Passover and Easter are about freedom.

The brain, on the other hand, likes patterns it can repeat, which makes it easy to fall into ruts…which don’t feel like freedom.

In one sense, it’s a good thing because the brain following well-known grooves to ride a bike or walk or drive frees up our energy for other things, like learning something new or trying on a new way of being…

But what if some of our repeated patterns aren’t serving us–and yet they keep repeating on autoplay? How do we find our way to freedom?

Come, yet again, come. This is a sweet invitation to come back to ourselves, to stop the autopilot of habit and wake up. To be present and experience the freedom of being right here, right now, in this very moment.

Wherever we are, whenever we notice,
we have the chance to choose freshly again.


We can take a look at what we’ve been choosing.

When I’m not present, my type One orientation habitually and unconsciously chooses to try to improve things–me, you, my environment…life! I just have to learn a little more by reading one more article, to straighten the pile of shoes in the foyer, to update my site to make it more user-friendly…There’s always more to do and never enough time… Your way of getting lost may be very different from mine, but we all have them.

When we notice we are on autopilot, we can ask:

Does what I’m habitually choosing reflect my values?

I often find my value for contemplative quiet time gets relegated to last on my list. Sure, I fit some in every morning, but if it’s something I truly value (and need to be well!) wouldn’t it make sense to create more space in my life for it?

Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving…

Why do we wander away, leave what we value?

We forget. We get pulled back into the automatic pilot of repeating habits.

These are so compelling because they are familiar–the patterns have been traveled so often that they feel known, safe, comforting…even if we’d like to change them.

They don’t challenge our sense of who we might be, which might happen if we didn’t follow them. Our self-identity relies on them. In my example, I know myself as someone who is always making things better. This is an integral part of how I define myself, recognize my value, and orient to the world. Who would I be, how would I interact with life if I didn’t need to know myself in this way? What options for being, for freedom might open up?

Holding what I am repeating on autopilot along with my values creates a paradox. How can both be true? And yet they are.

If we hold this paradox with mindfulness, we can receive the wisdom of right action. There is no ultimate “right” way to always respond, no one tried and true way to reconcile these opposites. If there were, believe me, I would have found it! 🙂

When I’m not present, I fall back into habit = unfree.

When I am present, I can hold both the habit and what I value, and see what freely arises as true in my experience right now, in this moment. Letting these guide me, holding the tension, and listening will result in the right action I seek. The next time I ask, the moment may require something else of me.

Come, yet again, come. Being present means I am responding freshly each time I wake up enough to come, yet again, back to myself and hold the paradox. May Passover and Easter remind us of this possibility–the possibility of freedom in any moment that we choose presence.

OK, your turn! What habits do you fall into without thinking? How do these affect your ability to create space for the things you value? How do they affect your freedom?

reprise: babysteps for presence

do you feel it?

it seems since the elections and the inauguration, we’ve been in a confused, chaotic, speeded-up world…

i know it’s easy for me to feel like i have to learn more, do more, be more…

we are bombarded by the outer world, with its messages that we aren’t doing enough, that we’ll feel better if…

and the problem with this?

it keeps us focusing on outer fulfillment. just one more news piece to catch up on, one more piece of chocolate, one more task off the to-do list… then all will be well. then i’ll stop. then i’ll rest. then i’ll be satisfied. hmm, really? 🙂

what can we do to be present
in the midst of it all?

babysteps!!

this is a concept i work with over and over again with myself and my clients…

1. first things first. notice how you get off center. notice what makes you lose your cool, feel off balance, get irritable, impatient, anxious… whatever your version of “off center” is. without awareness, nothing else is possible!

2. in the midst of it. turn to yourself with kindness and friendliness. instead of telling yourself to “get over it,” to “put a good face on it,” to “fake it until you make it,” take a moment and gently acknowledge that it’s hard to feel off center. it’s hard to be this busy. it’s hard to feel disconnected from yourself. with compassion, things soften and change in often unexpected ways.

3. when your heart feels more open, let your brilliant mind help you out some more! what one small thing could you do, RIGHT NOW, to help you be more present. you already are a little more present just from steps #1 & #2. what else would support you? could you stretch, sense your feet on the floor and your breath in your belly, dance, get up and walk around, take a breath of fresh air, get a cup of tea, take a nap? what would support you right now?

4. take that babystep! do it! don’t wait until you finish THAT THING. even if it’s just one minute, give yourself what you need to be more present RIGHT NOW. this is living our practice. this is waking up. this is how real change happens, one babystep at a time. it can be that simple.

What babystep will you take?

Spring is Coming

Spring is coming, is calling, is COMING!

Seeds, long held in the cozy dark, nutrient-rich soil, are beginning to push up through the darkness toward the light. Winter’s hold is not so tight.

The light is growing, is coming, is calling—don’t go back to sleep.

Feel your longing to wake up, deep down on the inside, like nature, longing to reach for the light.

Stay with the longing. Let it touch you. Let it move you into action. Let it keep you awake.

Breathe in the light all around you, in through all your pores, into your body—belly, heart, mind. Let is infuse and gently awaken and enliven you. Turn toward the light.

Spring Equinox in the Northern Hemisphere is officially marked on Monday, March 20th at 5:28 am Central Time, but we’ve been feeling its coming for some time now…

The last remnants of winter—the dark, the cold, the cuddled-up-in-bed parts—are holding pieces you need to release to be ready for Spring.

It could be anger, a hurt, an unrealized dream, a wish for life to be other than it is…Accepting that this, whatever it is, is still with you creates space for it to soften its grip and make way for the new energy of Spring, for a new beginning, a new seed to poke its way up through the dark underground into the light.

A Getting Ready Ritual

This ritual can support you in releasing what’s needed for Spring to arrive in your life. Enjoy it on the Equinox or before to prepare yourself for a new beginning any time.

  • Create intentional space for 20-30 minutes.
    • Turn off electronics, close the door, settle in for some undisturbed quiet time.
    • You might want your journal nearby.
    • You might want to light a candle or mark this time in some way.
  • In a comfortable seated position, breathe in earth energy through your feet, up through your legs, into your lower belly. Imagine, visualize, or physically sense this.
    • Breathe out and name whatever arises that you would like to release. As you exhale, soften, and simply let it be here with you.
    • Breathing in grounded, stable earth energy, and breathing out your desire to let this go, feeling and sensing whatever it is.
    • Inhaling earth energy up, then exhaling and naming what you would like to release, no forcing, no pushing away, no resisting.
  • Once you’ve accepted and allowed the feelings and sensations of what you’d like to release to be acknowledged, you’re ready to let them go.
  • Breathing earth energy in, let it go, carrying all you have released back down through your legs and feet into the earth, where it will be transformed.
    • Repeat this a few times.
  • When you are ready, begin your inhale the same way, but bring your breath all the way up to your heart.
    • On the exhale, if there is anything else arising in your heart that needs to be let go, name and release that.
    • Breathe this way a few times.
  • When you are ready, the same breath comes all the way up to the crown of your head.
    • And you release on your exhale, all the way down to the earth, naming anything else that arises, softening, softening, softening…
  • When you have run out of things to name, on your next earth inhale, as you breathe all the way up to the crown, name what you long for, what you are ready to move into, what you intend for yourself this spring.
    • Soften and let it all go, into the hands of life, returning it to the earth.
    • Continue breathing this way until you have named all that you long to bring into your world, all that you long to become this Spring.
  • Place your hands on your heart and make some gesture of gratitude.
  • Blow out the candle and/or close this intentional time in some way.

What is Spring inviting to grow in you?
What are you releasing to make space for this new growth?

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Essential Self-Care

a few years ago, i was talking with a girlfriend about what to do when we’re stressed–anxious, overwhelmed, rushing…how to help ourselves come back to ground. she mentioned going to a spa and spending the weekend pampering herself.

at the time, i wasn’t so sure. first of all, the word “pampering” just doesn’t sit well with me. when i look up the definition of “pamper,” i find:

  • from Merriam Webster: “to treat with extreme or excessive care and attention”
  • and the first thing Google pops up is: “indulge with every attention, comfort, and kindness; spoil.”

the self-care i’m thinking about isn’t extreme or excessive, and it’s not about indulging or spoiling. it’s self-care. it’s mindful tending to these absolutely amazing bodies we are given to grace this world in!

the other part that didn’t sit right with me is that self-care needs to be a big deal–a weekend retreat, which is not only expensive, but also a lot of time away. if we think this is the only way we can take care of ourselves, then we won’t pay as much attention to the small, doable ways available to us.

that gets me to the title of this post: essential self-care.

i first heard this distinction from Sara Avant Stover, my feminine spirituality teacher, at her Kripalu retreat that i assisted last October. we have to distinguish between essential self-care–that which will truly nourish our essence, the deepest truth of us–and worldly self-care, for lack of a better word.

don’t get me wrong–Sara emphasized this–there is nothing wrong with so called “worldly” self-care. it can feel good to do a little retail therapy, or get a massage, or go to a spa. and if we practice being present with ourselves as we do these activities, we will receive some real self-care from them.

any time we do things to help our nervous system down-regulate from an overly sympathetic, fight or flight mode, into a parasympathetic, tend and befriend mode, we are giving ourselves self-care. (as long as we don’t overdo it into an overly unbalanced parasympathetic mode!) perhaps we could call this self-soothing.

but if we think of self-care only from the perspective of doing nice things to our body, we might be missing the boat. what about the self-care of our hearts? the self-care of our minds? the self-care of our souls? (all together i call this your bodysoul.)

Sara says: “Self-care is just this: lovingly meeting ourselves exactly where we are and allowing things to be as they are.”
(The Book of SHE, p. 42)


what is essential for me might not be the same for you. in order for my whole bodysoul to feel well-tended, i have a bunch of practices over the day that include things for each part of me–body, heart, mind, and soul.

another thing to learn is to take care of ourselves in an attuned way, to lovingly meet ourselves exactly where we are…while i have a regular plan for my practices, i try to stay open to what i need on each day–maybe a poem, maybe a walk, maybe more embodiment, maybe greens for breakfast, maybe a certain type of meditation or prayer…

checking in with yourself and having a garden of practices to choose from makes all the difference!

how do you discern
between essential and “worldly” self-care?
what is essential self-care for you?

Everyday Love

It’s Valentine’s Day.

How about a focus on real,
everyday Love?


Romantic dinners, heart-shaped gifts, chocolate, sexy lingerie—they are a fun way of expressing Love, but I’m talking about taking steps to choose and create Love in a simple, daily way.

Today, can you remember to:

  • Give yourself the benefit of the doubt?
  • Be friendly and kind when you make a mistake?
  • Not rush?
  • Listen to the needs of your body? (move, rest, eat, use the bathroom…)
  • Listen to your heart, not judging your feelings, but allowing them all and being gentle with yourself?

With others, can you:

  • Be present with yourself as you interact with them? (That way you’ll be more attuned.)
  • Offer your kind attention, even to strangers?
  • Go out of your way to be of service?
  • Put yourself in their shoes before responding?
  • Receive their goodwill?

Everyday Love is a choice, an action, a verb.

Even if you don’t feel Love, take a step to choose it. Start with yourself and move out from there. Let everyone you touch receive your Love.

The world needs you, showing up as you,
which is an expression of Love.
And the world needs us all
choosing Love with each other,
one babystep at a time.

This is the way we can create Everyday Love, every day.

Come practice Everyday Love with me!

  • Body Love: Mindful Movement & Yoga, Tuesdays at noon
  • Body, Mind Love: The Mindful Art of Tea,Wednesday, February 15th
  • Body, Heart Love: The Way of the Happy Woman® Winter Mini-Retreat, Sunday, February 19th
  • Body, Heart, Mind Love: Mindful Self-Care for your Whole Bodysoul, Wednesday, March 15th
  • Body, Heart, Mind Love: Releasing Our Hearts: Working with the Passions and the Virtues of our Enneagram Type, with Dave Hall, Saturday, March 25th

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Come, yet again, come.

Come, come, whoever you are
Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving
Ours is no caravan of despair
Come, yet again, come.
~Rumi

It’s too easy to fall into ruts.

The brain likes patterns it can repeat. That frees up our energy for other things.

But what if some of our repeated patterns aren’t serving us–and yet they keep repeating on autoplay?

Come, yet again, come. This is a sweet invitation to come back to ourselves, to stop the autopilot of habit and wake up.

Wherever we are, whenever we notice, we have the chance to choose freshly again.


We can take a look at what we’ve been choosing.

When I’m not present, my type One orientation habitually and unconsciously chooses to try to improve things–me, you, my environment…life! I just have to learn a little more by reading one more article, to make the fridge look better by cleaning up that spill on the shelf, to bring order to the dining room by putting the Christmas wrapping supplies away…There’s always more to do and never enough time…Your way of getting lost may be very different from mine, but we all have them.

When we notice we are on autopilot, we can ask: Does what I’m habitually choosing reflect my values?

I often find my value for contemplative quiet time gets relegated to last on my list. Sure, I fit some in every morning, but if it’s something I truly value (and need to be well!) wouldn’t it make sense to create more space in my life for it?

Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving… Why do we wander away, leave what we value?

We forget.We get pulled back into the automatic pilot of repeating habits.

These are so compelling because they are familiar–the patterns have been traveled so often that they feel known, safe, comforting…even if we’d like to change them.

They don’t challenge our sense of who we might be, which might happen if we didn’t follow them. Our self-identity relies on them. In my example, I know myself as someone who is always making things better. This is an integral part of how I define myself, recognize my value, and orient to the world. Who would I be, how would I interact with life if I didn’t need to know myself in this way?

Holding what I am repeating on autopilot along with my values creates a paradox. How can both be true? And yet they are.

If we hold this paradox with mindfulness, we can receive the wisdom of right action. There is no ultimate “right” way to always respond, no one tried and true way to reconcile these opposites.

When I’m not present, I fall back into habit.

When I am present, I can hold both the habit and what I value, and see what arises as true in my experience right now, in this moment. Letting these guide me, holding the tension, and listening will result in the right action I seek. The next time I ask, the moment may require something else of me.

Come, yet again, come. Being present means I am responding freshly each time I wake up enough to come, yet again, back to myself and hold the paradox.

OK, your turn! What habits do you fall into without thinking? How do these fit with creating space for the things you value?

I look forward to journeying
with you!

with presence, you get presents

the title of this blogpost is a quote from my primary Enneagram teacher, past boss, and friend, Russ Hudson.

with presence, you get presents…i know i have made it much harder than that in my life!! one of the biggest stumbling blocks to presence for me is moving too fast, trying to do too much, which i talked about in my last blogpost.

the other big obstacle is one most of us have been taught from an early age:

“Take care of others before you take care of yourself.”

our family of origin, trying to mold us into good citizens who will be acceptable in the culture we live in, tells us not to focus on ourselves, that it’s SELFISH.

as women, we get the message that it’s our job to care for others, whether it be calling, texting, emailing, visiting, or even accepting an invitation or overstaying so as not to hurt someone’s feelings.

and men have their own version of this: they often feel pressure to provide for the family and make their women happy.

this time of year, we’re all encouraged to focus on finding and giving the RIGHT gifts—that we research, shop for, spend money on, or hand-make. even if we truly want to make our loved ones happy with the perfect gift, it is so easy to lose ourselves in what can feel like a frantic search.

as an adult, i find that one of my favorite memories of Christmas was doing a 1,000-2,500 piece puzzle together as a family.

yes, we were dedicated puzzlers! 🙂 my parents hung a round, particle-board tabletop on pulleys in our living room so we could sit around it and puzzle together and then pull it up to the ceiling to make space for other things.

what i remember most is the gift of calm, together time.

we didn’t talk a lot. we simply joined each other at the table and were present together—sometimes to put a piece in as we were passing through, sometimes for longer.

i’m not suggesting not to invest some time and money in gathering hands-on gifts for your loved ones.

  • but see if you can return to yourself over and over again while you do. fill your own well with the gift of your mindful presence. if you need some tips for how to do this see babysteps for presence.
  • as you spend time with others over the holidays, stay connected with the internal presence of you—the felt sense of your feet on the ground, the breath in your body, the way your heart is touched by their presence.
  • also when with others, practice taking their presence in. see them freshly—breathe in their beauty, their unique way of thinking and being. you might want to try a version of this savoring practice to help you really tune in.

as you do any of these practices, you are giving yourself and the person you are with the gift of presence—of yours and theirs.

with presence, we get presents.

babysteps for presence

do you feel it?

that steady increase in tempo now that we’re in the holiday season?

i sure do!

we made it through black friday. and cyber monday.

but now it’s countdown on shopping days before christmas.

we have to find the right gifts for the right amount of money…

we are bombarded by the outer world, inviting, enthralling, dare i say it–manipulating us into focusing on outer fulfillment. just one more piece of chocolate, one more task off the to-do list, one more special stocking stuffer…then all will be well. then i’ll stop. then i’ll rest. then i’ll be satisfied.

it feels like life is speeding up as we move from thanksgiving through the winter holidays and into the new year.

what can we do to be present
in the midst of all of this?

1. first things first. notice how you get off center. notice what makes you lose your cool, feel off balance, get irritable, impatient, anxious…whatever your version of “off center” is. without awareness, nothing else is possible!

2. in the midst of it. turn to yourself with kindness and friendliness. instead of telling yourself to “get over it,” to “put a good face on it,” to “fake it until you make it,” take a moment and gently acknowledge that it’s hard to feel off center. it’s hard to be this busy. it’s hard to feel disconnected from yourself. with compassion, things soften and change in often unexpected ways.

3. when your heart feels more open, let your brilliant mind help you out some more! what one small thing could you do, RIGHT NOW, to help you be more present. you already are a little more present just from steps #1 & #2. what else would support you? could you stretch, sense your feet on the floor and your breath in your belly, dance, get up and walk around, take a breath of fresh air, get a cup of tea, take a nap? what would support you right now?

4. take that babystep! do it! don’t wait until you finish THAT THING. even if it’s just one minute, give yourself what you need to be more present RIGHT NOW. this is living our practice. this is waking up. this is how real change happens, one babystep at a time. it can be that simple.